The Good in Goodbye

Friday, June 25, 2021

What do you get when you leave a four year relationship, on top of getting laid off, a month long case of hives, having no money, andddddd taking an unannounced trip at midnight to surprise your parents that you've come to live with them? Answer: one very depressed bitch.

I think the world can collectively agree that the past year and change has been one hell of a ride. I had a comfortable life before panoramic, pon de replay, whatever you wana to call it- stable relationship, dream apartment, decent job, (minor) savings in da bank, a few friends, and overall, shit was ok. 

Like a game of Uno, I was thrown wild cards back to back. Every month things were just getting worse. I was binge eating my stress and weighed the heaviest I've ever been . My one way trip to rock bottom was express- especially once someone had commented if I was expecting. Someone even went as far to RECOMMEND A PERSONAL TRAINER via Zoom. I hated that my weight was a topic of conversation- and a concern for certain people. I can't say I loved the change in my appearance- but I can't lie and say it didn't fuck me up either.

I spent a year of being aggravated at home and on unemployment. After countless interviews every month- it seemed every company was "going in a different direction." I was so restless; I took up random gigs like babysitting for literally $10 an hour. The unemployment money wasn't enough- it barely covered  rent, utilities, and groceries. I became that bitch who got a cricut and starting selling anything and everything I could- hence how Coney Shop came to life. (One of the better things that happened during this time.) Since then, business has really grown and I can proudly say I've donated a fair amount of money back to the community, and for people I know. I knew at some point I would get some positive karma. Back to my sob story.

After a week of being home, my parents asked if I planned on going back to my former lover. I'm guessing they never got the memo after endless hours of screaming "I don't need a Man," by the Pussycat Dolls from my childhood bedroom. We had five weddings to attend that year, and I hated having to tell the brides only I would be in attendance. My heart would just break even more because once upon a time- I really thought we would have our happily ever after. Only that day would never come. Now I'm convinced that day will never come. Who would willingly want to be with someone in their late 20's who has no desire for children, and who isn't willing to give up their last name? At this point in the game, most people are at that next chapter of their lives, and now, I was just staring at a blank fucking book.

So here's where it starts to get better.

FINALLY- I received a job offer!

All that work was enough to not only distract me emotionally, but all that stress helped me shed some of that weight. My new goal was to be so invested with work, that I took up random gigs every possible chance I got. Making money became so much of the motive that I'm a month and a half away from having paid off 17k in student loans. Interest on payments were frozen until October, and I wasn't trying to pay this off the rest of my life. For once in my existence I feel genuinely proud of myself for making a smart decision.

I was told a promotion is headed my way in the Fall, my vacation dates got approved for my birthday, and I don't spend all my nights crying myself to sleep anymore for the things I couldn't control or change. (Or any for that matter.)

There's still days where I wake up in a panic- frightened at how I'll be able to find and afford a place for me and Bruss, (HOW DID I FORGET TO MENTION I GOT A DOG!!!!!) , wondering when the loneliness will ever diminish, and if I will fully regain my confidence again. I've traded my days of listening to every breakup banger (still enjoy the living fuck of listening to the SOUR album daily) for dirty Reggeaton. I've excepted changes, and have new plans for the future. It's all a work in progress tbh. I had to say a lot of goodbyes to different aspects of my life in the past few months. I guess now I realize there's a "good" in goodbye- and in due time everything has a way of working out again.

Outfit deets:

Hat- Lazy Oaf

Top- Del Luvra New York

Jeans- The Kript

Sneakers- Vans

Shoutout to Royal Youths for always taking the trip down to Coney to shoot. He's currently open for bookings and I will never not recommend this man.

Toodaloo bitches- my next post will either be about my hot girl summer or my new addiction to financial literacy. Stay tuned and find out ;)

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