Who I am, hates who I've been

Monday, October 16, 2017

Or who I've been, hates who I am; the order can be debatable, yet still valid when said in both ways. The other morning I was waiting for a train feeling rather empty. I've been feeling a little empty lately. Unsatisfied. Uninspired. Unmotivated. And on top of it all, afraid to shop. I would like to say that partially came from an article from Girlboss about the average American not knowing how to budget (I am that average American.) And from a recent lecture in macro. The rest, well, you are about to read about.

When I feel these ways, I always like to look to the past, so that way I get redirected into the future. I read old blog posts, and look at my Instagram feed, and I try to get a feel of what got me to those moments, and what I was feeling in the moment. The video of me running home eager to show my brother how I learned how to do a headstand in yoga that same hour? I smiled as he recorded me holding the headstand for a few seconds before I fell over and we both started laughing. The picture of me smiling in someones apartment filledddd with giant red balloons; a mere reminder of the little things in life. And just rereading old work reminds me of how witty and funny I really am/ can be. It also reminds me of all the positive feedback I've gotten. These things remind me that the feelings are temporary, which helps me progress.

What has me feeling all these ways is work. Any type of work...school, my jobs, and my up keeping. Does anyone ever realize that we are only in our early twenties and that we will be working the rest of our fucking lives? The average person retires at 65. If you want to be a little more cushioned or productive, retire at 70-something. That's a good 40 SOMETHING MORE YEARS. By then we could have a face full of wrinkles, health issues, or even be looking into retirement homes. I didn't sign up for this.

As a legitimate workaholic, it stresses me the fuck out. 23 days into the month of September and I've only had 3 days off. And those three days don't even count because I'm in class from 12-9:30pm. I hate this routine of constantly being on the clock. Working to pay bills, and spending precious time  indoors behind a desk and in a stockroom. Working is just such an integral part of my life and always has been. But it's becoming so routine and as a result its making me miserable. Please don't tell me I'm the only one.

I hate how working so much has caused me to lose myself. The workaholic I am, hates who I've been. Hates being cranky, tired, and having only enough time in the morning to pop in two chocolate chip waffles before running out the door and doing it again for the next 6 days. Hates that I've lost a bit of the person that I am, to turn into a catatonic , ill version of Wednesday Adams. On top of the mixed feels, I end up taking a break from you, my audience. What do I talk to you about? What do I share with you anymore? Are you still going to read my posts?

I overthink and stress... ALOT. A not so fun fact: if you stress so hard you can develop air bubbles on your fingers that eventually cause the skin on your fingers and hands to peel and bleed. It itches a lot and is very uncomfortable. Apparently, stress causes hand eczema. Let me tell you, nothing looks more disgusting. And nothing is more awkward than meeting a new person in the business world and REJECTING  a handshake. The seconds of staring at each other while the hanging hand is well just...hanging, can feel like days.

So if you're in a funk, or feel a bit uninspired, take a few minutes and look back. Look back at happier moments, look back at old accomplishments, look back at the memories that you enjoyed. You will have new moments like these to look forward too in the near future. And don't stress too much. You don't want hand eczema. Nobody does. Take the time out to have a peaceful lunch break, meet up with a friend as time restricted as your schedule is. Take that mental health day off. No amount of money is worth more than your well being.  I hope you are all doing well. See you all in the near future.

Let me not forget, photo credit to the fab Kieran Bammann.


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