Why I Don't

High School- the 4 years most people fondly remember are the four years I wish I could forget. I went to one of those widely known schools, one of the "good ones." I was accepted by audition for vocal music. I spent a lot of my time singing and drowning in work. But that wasn't what made it miserable.

Around my sophomore year, Formspring was pretty fucking popular. For those of you that are too old or too young to know about it, it was a website where you could anonymously ask questions to someone. (It no longer exists as it got taken down several years ago) It was widely popular for kids in middle school school and in high school. I myself had made an account bc like everyone else doing it, they wanted interaction. Hell, they even asked people to ask them questions. Imagine that, ASKING people to get to know you... At the time of creating my account, I was already aware that there were people that didn't like me for reasons unknown. Instead of receiving questions, I had received a few comments. The comments even went as far as telling me to go kill myself, and that nobody cared about my existence. A lot of things changed for me after that. As I had no family on Facebook at the time, only people from school, I knew it was someone from there. I no longer felt safe. I had random anxiety attacks that would go into seizures. I started skipping classes and "sleeping in". For all I know, it could have been one of my classmates that I sat next to on the daily. I got very sick and depressed and really lost my desire to interact with anybody. Even my friends at the time had distanced themselves from me, so I was feeling ultimately alone. When I finally found the words for the few conversations that came my way, my mouth would open but I physically couldn't speak. You had a better chance at hearing a dying person whisper their final words as opposed to hearing me... There were so many stories like mine that resulted in young kids committing suicide. People fail to realize the power of words. That's why I choose mine wisely.

It got to the point where I ended up transferring schools for my senior year. I only had three classes at my new school, and went straight home afterwards. There I was nobody, nobody knew me, I'd have no problems. What hurt even more than graduating alone was seeing all the pictures of people I had known from my old school having fun on the senior events and really just enjoying their final year before college. I wished I was one of them.

Since then, I've been very cautious of who I acquaint myself with, and what I post online (both in text and pictures.) On my Facebook, I only advertise accomplishments, pictures of travel, relatable videos, and pictures/ my blog posts. On Instagram ALL of my pictures are pictures of me. Never really any with my friends, family, guys I'm dating, or where I work. My gram stories feature things like my love for street art in the city , to the places I eat, to just plain views. It's really rare that I post anything with anyone else. The only time I include people is when I'm shooting with my photographers to promote their work and services or when I'm with my blogger friends. It's what we do.

The Formspring comments are one of the reasons why I don't speak more about my personal life and the people in it.I barely want people to know me after the comments, none-the-less the closest people in my life. It's not that all of my socials are solely about me as if I was stuck up and wanted all the attention for myself... but the less people know, the better. Only the closest people in your life should be able to know you and all that you're about. You are exclusive, and not everyone should have the privilege of being able to know you. The rest can know you from a distance. I wish in high school more people had known that. Hell, theres SOOOOO MUCH MORE I wish they did know. That you don't need to post every fucking detail of your life online from how hungry you are , to the beef you have with someone else, to how much you made on your most recent check. Yes it's social media, but monitor/limit how social you are. Realize that people are reading what you share, and some, a little too closely. NO MATTER WHAT FUCKED UP SHIT IS GOING ON IN YOUR OWN LIFE, DON'T CYBERBULLY OTHER PEOPLE. Get a shrink, go see a therapist, but by all means in no way take out your life's frustrations behind a screen to innocent people that have nothing to do with you. Have online etiquette. Post in moderation. Back in school people actively posted about who they were with and what they were doing to prove that they had lives and friends. You DON'T need to do this to prove that you have one too. At the time I wish I had known that. I wish I had known it all.

Outfit deets: My hat is from Sausage Skateboards, my glasses are from Petals & Peacocks, top from The Ragged Priest, (one of my fave UK labels.)Shorts are from Primark. Photo's by the one and only @royal.youths. I can't say I felt better instantly after what happened; it did take quite some time. But a few years later and now I'm openly able to speak about it and say that everything does feel better all in due time. You will survive everything that you go through, and in the end what didn't break you will sure as hell make you. And better than you were before at that.