Time to Check Out

Monday, July 17, 2017

"Are you ready to check out?" says the automated cashier voice in my head. No. I wasn't ready, but I knew it was a move I had to make. For months I've been working a particular job that everyday, for five days a week, I'd come in and count down the hours until it was time to finally leave. I hated my job, but because of this job, I was able to pay my bills, go out and buy whatever I wanted, and be able to live to my liking. To me, that was more important than the bullshit I had to put up with on a daily basis. So I tossed my feelings of unhappiness aside every morning or closing shift,and kept money as my motivation.
The very moment that inspired my decision: I came into work Wednesday morning. I shipped out orders that customers placed in store. I do over 250 markdowns. I wait for my associate to come in so I can use the bathroom as I work alone for a few hours until the next person comes in. So when this associate comes in, ten minutes late, he sits down and starts talking on his phone. I let it slide because it might be important and assume that he will get off the phone soon. 15 minutes later and he's still on the phone. From a few feet away, I tell him get off the phone. He turns his head in my direction, says hold on to whoever he was talking to before saying, "Excuse me, who the fuck are you?" Who the fuck am I? Imagine telling your boss that. How many seconds after that would they still be your boss before they fire you. Those five words chimed in my head. I'm Soni.fucking. Solano. Was I working in an ideal location? No. Was I really learning from a team on how to better my skills and increase my chances of being promoted to the next level? No. Was I making as much as my skills were worth? No. Was I happy being there? lol, d e f i n i t e NO. I knew my worth, yet I was settling for less. In that moment, just like the several months I've been there, I was someone who was fucking settling. I know know my worth, capabilities, potential, drive, career aspirations, and so much more. I, am someone who is fucking leaving this job and finding something way better. So who am I? Someone that is fucking leaving. Like Queen B herself said, Boy, Bye. So I call my boss and put in my two weeks.
Never in my life had I put in my two weeks on the spot. Without having a cushion of funds to keep me afloat. Without having a plan. After the internal breakdown of panic for a completely unseen decision, comfort came over me. I was finally free, at least in two weeks I would be. Then came the thought of being unemployed. No funds. No more shopping sprees on Dollskill. No more lunches and dinners at cute spots in Soho. The comfort was still there, but now those thoughts were bringing me pain. Two weeks would be my transformation from Blair Waldorf to Jenny Humphrey. Maybe that was a bit drastic and as there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, you get the idea. After I clock out for the day, I took the train into the city, where I sit in a gallery for almost two hours. Just sitting. Just thinking. A woman comes around passing out bubbles, so I take bubbles and start blowing them. It was therapeutic AF. Everything would be ok, it's not like I would't be able to get another job ever.
Moral of the story: one day you are going to work a job you hate and put in your two weeks on the spot, so go find some bubbles, buy new feather down pillows, and play Bohemian Rhapsody really loud. Yes, this is the real life. (Here is your written reminder that this is a song reference, from the song) These things will happen, whether you were prepared to check out or not, you know your worth and how much better you deserve. Whether its work wise, relationship wise, or decision wise, you shouldn't settle for the things you don't deserve. And you definitely SHOULDN'T PUT UP WITH WORKING A JOB YOU DONT ENJOY.
Outfit deets are listed in my last 2 blog posts. Fun fact, the picture of me in my Vans were recently featured on the Vans website, so that was a very exciting moment. Photos by @royal.youths.

Why I Don't

Sunday, July 9, 2017

High School- the 4 years most people fondly remember are the four years I wish I could forget. I went to one of those widely known schools, one of the "good ones." I was accepted by audition for vocal music. I spent a lot of my time singing and drowning in work. But that wasn't what made it miserable.
Around my sophomore year, Formspring was pretty fucking popular. For those of you that are too old or too young to know about it, it was a website where you could anonymously ask questions to someone. (It no longer exists as it got taken down several years ago) It was widely popular for kids in middle school school and in high school. I myself had made an account bc like everyone else doing it, they wanted interaction. Hell, they even asked people to ask them questions. Imagine that, ASKING people to get to know you... At the time of creating my account, I was already aware that there were people that didn't like me for reasons unknown. Instead of receiving questions, I had received a few comments. The comments even went as far as telling me to go kill myself, and that nobody cared about my existence. A lot of things changed for me after that. As I had no family on Facebook at the time, only people from school, I knew it was someone from there. I no longer felt safe. I had random anxiety attacks that would go into seizures. I started skipping classes and "sleeping in". For all I know, it could have been one of my classmates that I sat next to on the daily. I got very sick and depressed and really lost my desire to interact with anybody. Even my friends at the time had distanced themselves from me, so I was feeling ultimately alone. When I finally found the words for the few conversations that came my way, my mouth would open but I physically couldn't speak. You had a better chance at hearing a dying person whisper their final words as opposed to hearing me... There were so many stories like mine that resulted in young kids committing suicide. People fail to realize the power of words. That's why I choose mine wisely.
It got to the point where I ended up transferring schools for my senior year. I only had three classes at my new school, and went straight home afterwards. There I was nobody, nobody knew me, I'd have no problems. What hurt even more than graduating alone was seeing all the pictures of people I had known from my old school having fun on the senior events and really just enjoying their final year before college. I wished I was one of them.
Since then, I've been very cautious of who I acquaint myself with, and what I post online (both in text and pictures.) On my Facebook, I only advertise accomplishments, pictures of travel, relatable videos, and pictures/ my blog posts. On Instagram ALL of my pictures are pictures of me. Never really any with my friends, family, guys I'm dating, or where I work. My gram stories feature things like my love for street art in the city , to the places I eat, to just plain views. It's really rare that I post anything with anyone else. The only time I include people is when I'm shooting with my photographers to promote their work and services or when I'm with my blogger friends. It's what we do.
The Formspring comments are one of the reasons why I don't speak more about my personal life and the people in it.I barely want people to know me after the comments, none-the-less the closest people in my life. It's not that all of my socials are solely about me as if I was stuck up and wanted all the attention for myself... but the less people know, the better. Only the closest people in your life should be able to know you and all that you're about. You are exclusive, and not everyone should have the privilege of being able to know you. The rest can know you from a distance. I wish in high school more people had known that. Hell, theres SOOOOO MUCH MORE I wish they did know. That you don't need to post every fucking detail of your life online from how hungry you are , to the beef you have with someone else, to how much you made on your most recent check. Yes it's social media, but monitor/limit how social you are. Realize that people are reading what you share, and some, a little too closely. NO MATTER WHAT FUCKED UP SHIT IS GOING ON IN YOUR OWN LIFE, DON'T CYBERBULLY OTHER PEOPLE. Get a shrink, go see a therapist, but by all means in no way take out your life's frustrations behind a screen to innocent people that have nothing to do with you. Have online etiquette. Post in moderation. Back in school people actively posted about who they were with and what they were doing to prove that they had lives and friends. You DON'T need to do this to prove that you have one too. At the time I wish I had known that. I wish I had known it all.
Outfit deets: My hat is from Sausage Skateboards, my glasses are from Petals & Peacocks, top from The Ragged Priest, (one of my fave UK labels.)Shorts are from Primark. Photo's by the one and only @royal.youths. I can't say I felt better instantly after what happened; it did take quite some time. But a few years later and now I'm openly able to speak about it and say that everything does feel better all in due time. You will survive everything that you go through, and in the end what didn't break you will sure as hell make you. And better than you were before at that.

Miss Independent

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

I was a really big fan of Kelly Clarkson growing up, so this post got it's name from one of her songs. Kelly's song aside, the 4th of July is about America gaining it's independence from Great Britain and the adoption of the declaration of independence. Don't worry, I'm not about to give you a history lesson rn (or ever), just a few suggestions.
When I think of being independent, the intro of her song is how I can define it. "Miss independent, Miss self-sufficient, Miss keep your distance, Miss unafraid, Miss out of my way, Miss don't let a man interfere no, Miss on her own, Miss almost grown..." This really explains me in all my independent nature. I'm not 100% self sufficient or unafraid though... sometimes I really need help getting censors off apparel at work and don't even get me started on my failure of being able to properly follow directions on Google maps. Tbh, I'm still afraid of the dark and will not go into my kitchen without turning on every light as I make my way there. AND, I have to be accompanied by my dog. I need to have my guard dog. That way , me and the cookies are being intensely guarded. Guess you can say my current status is stuck at "miss almost grown."
I could go on and give a little explanation for every line of the song, but what it really comes down to is being independent enough to say fuck needing anybody or anything and being able to make it on your own. I would hope none of you end up like Tripp from Failure to Launch; still living at home at the age of 35 and without a job. That's just sad.
At the mere age of 15, I was already working my first paid summer job as a camp counselor and thats where I began to be self sufficient; through learning the value of working for and earning my own money. I was earning freedom financially!!! Allowance and a job was great, until my parents decided that was the end of it. That sucked. I'm pretty much 23 now, some of my friends that are nearing their late 20's still ask their parents for money and try to get whatever they can out of them. I can't say I don't do the same, whenever a free ride or a meal is offered, I can't decline. Because free food!? What is there to object? Who could possibly object?! Thanks mom and dad.
Getting back to independence - learn. Grow up. Fuck up. Ask for help less and starting learning on your own more. Live your best life on your time and nobody elses. That last one is so crucial. Stop relying on other people and start relying on yourself. Learn to be on your own. Enjoy being on your own too. Learn the messy art that is adulting. We can't be like Peter Pan, wanting to be in Never Never Land forever , but we can keep our youthful spirits and creativity amidst the chaos and complications that come with growing up.
Outfit deets: my top and bottoms, and fishnet socks are from Dollskill, and my shoes are the Anaheim Factory authentics from Vans. (fyi sold out in the white online, but here's a link to the available colors.) I actually get out of work early today, so I'll be spending my independence day at the beach and eating cookies because what else is there for a vegetarian to eat at a barbecue? How will you be spending your 4th of July? Let me know :) My gorgeous pictures are thanks to Smithshell J. of @royal.youths.
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