Who I am, hates who I've been

Monday, October 16, 2017

Or who I've been, hates who I am; the order can be debatable, yet still valid when said in both ways. The other morning I was waiting for a train feeling rather empty. I've been feeling a little empty lately. Unsatisfied. Uninspired. Unmotivated. And on top of it all, afraid to shop. I would like to say that partially came from an article from Girlboss about the average American not knowing how to budget (I am that average American.) And from a recent lecture in macro. The rest, well, you are about to read about.

When I feel these ways, I always like to look to the past, so that way I get redirected into the future. I read old blog posts, and look at my Instagram feed, and I try to get a feel of what got me to those moments, and what I was feeling in the moment. The video of me running home eager to show my brother how I learned how to do a headstand in yoga that same hour? I smiled as he recorded me holding the headstand for a few seconds before I fell over and we both started laughing. The picture of me smiling in someones apartment filledddd with giant red balloons; a mere reminder of the little things in life. And just rereading old work reminds me of how witty and funny I really am/ can be. It also reminds me of all the positive feedback I've gotten. These things remind me that the feelings are temporary, which helps me progress.

What has me feeling all these ways is work. Any type of, my jobs, and my up keeping. Does anyone ever realize that we are only in our early twenties and that we will be working the rest of our fucking lives? The average person retires at 65. If you want to be a little more cushioned or productive, retire at 70-something. That's a good 40 SOMETHING MORE YEARS. By then we could have a face full of wrinkles, health issues, or even be looking into retirement homes. I didn't sign up for this.

As a legitimate workaholic, it stresses me the fuck out. 23 days into the month of September and I've only had 3 days off. And those three days don't even count because I'm in class from 12-9:30pm. I hate this routine of constantly being on the clock. Working to pay bills, and spending precious time  indoors behind a desk and in a stockroom. Working is just such an integral part of my life and always has been. But it's becoming so routine and as a result its making me miserable. Please don't tell me I'm the only one.

I hate how working so much has caused me to lose myself. The workaholic I am, hates who I've been. Hates being cranky, tired, and having only enough time in the morning to pop in two chocolate chip waffles before running out the door and doing it again for the next 6 days. Hates that I've lost a bit of the person that I am, to turn into a catatonic , ill version of Wednesday Adams. On top of the mixed feels, I end up taking a break from you, my audience. What do I talk to you about? What do I share with you anymore? Are you still going to read my posts?

I overthink and stress... ALOT. A not so fun fact: if you stress so hard you can develop air bubbles on your fingers that eventually cause the skin on your fingers and hands to peel and bleed. It itches a lot and is very uncomfortable. Apparently, stress causes hand eczema. Let me tell you, nothing looks more disgusting. And nothing is more awkward than meeting a new person in the business world and REJECTING  a handshake. The seconds of staring at each other while the hanging hand is well just...hanging, can feel like days.

So if you're in a funk, or feel a bit uninspired, take a few minutes and look back. Look back at happier moments, look back at old accomplishments, look back at the memories that you enjoyed. You will have new moments like these to look forward too in the near future. And don't stress too much. You don't want hand eczema. Nobody does. Take the time out to have a peaceful lunch break, meet up with a friend as time restricted as your schedule is. Take that mental health day off. No amount of money is worth more than your well being.  I hope you are all doing well. See you all in the near future.

Let me not forget, photo credit to the fab Kieran Bammann.


Shitty Adult

Sunday, August 27, 2017

This week I started my product development internship and my new job doing visuals. And holy hell, was it a lot of running around.

First off, Market Week is approaching. For those of you in the industry, you already know your days in the office will be from 9am to as late as overnight, trying to perfect everything , meet deadlines, find the exact fabric for your designer, and the lists of tasks never seems to end. As the intern, I never knew what to expect for the day; I never did the same things as the say before. My duties ranged from grabbing coffee (yup)  to making runs to midtown  for fabric... needless to say it was a constant back and forth from the office to midtown. I've never taken the R train so much in my life. The blisters on the bottom of my toes are just little souvenirs from my delivery ventures this week.

The other morning I had to get pizza for a meeting that was happening later that hour. Online it said it was open, in person, they weren't opening for another half hour. Cool. That was the most ideal time to take a seat on an edge where a dog had taken a piss. Yup. I sat in old dog piss. No, I did not notice until I got up and realized I smelled homeless. Suddenly the Schnauzer next to me wasn't so cute anymore. For all I know, it was him. Pissed at the fact I sat in the piss, I walked into the little store next door. There was a giant pink neon sign in the outline of a naked woman and that urged me to walk in. The entire concept of "Bulletin," was that all the novelties in store were created by female entrepreneurs. It was all pretty cute. I passed by a dish of pins that read " Shitty Adult." I laughed to myself; it was basically me.

Mind you, I've done retail work my entire life. So my office skills to this point were as limited as could be. One of the designers asked me to make a copy of a duffel bag. Plot twist, copy machines are not just for making copies of paper. It took five failed attempts and the image that was six pages long, wasn't evening out to be the exact size of the actual bag, or straight enough for all the pages to align together. At this moment, I was the classic example of a shitty adult. I  couldn't even make copies right.

It took a few days to get into the routine of things. My biggest and most important takeaways this week were:
  1. INVEST IN A GOOD PAIR OF SHOES. You never know how often you will be sent out. To avoid blisters, don't wear pointed booties or canvas sneakers.
  2. Pay attention to directives, or lack of. Ask questions and get it down to the specifics in order to avoid having to do the same thing twice or more.
  3. Take notes. Figuratively, literally, whatever... as long as you take notes. And take EXACT notes, don't skip any steps. You have to be quick and keep up. If you gotta sacrifice the neat handwriting for the peace of mind, do it. Leave the nice handwriting for when you have the time to write neat. The nice handwriting will always be with you, but the seconds between notes won't.
  4. Don't be too quick to ask for help. It can be easy to panic when you have to do something you've never done before. Try to figure it out on your own if possible. If that fails, then ask for help.
  5. Make sure to get enough sleep at night and stay hydrated. If these people can stay overnight, you can manage being there for 8 hours. Plus, you are younger than everyone else, it just looks bad if you're tired. BJ's has really good down pillows fyi.
  6. Be nice and approachable to everyone. Not just your supervisor. On an errand run, I greeted the man I was dropping off some materials to and introduced myself. We then had a little conversation and before I walked out, he gifted me a measuring tape and his business card. He said to call him when I was done with school so I could work with him. See how a small gesture went a long way?
  7. Always watch where you sit. Sitting in piss definitely wasn't the highlight of my week.

So here's all my useful tips to you. Use them wisely. I will be updating this list as my experience goes on, and of course, sharing it all with you. Also, I really will try to post as frequently as possible, but with classes starting tomorrow, this internship, and a job, I deff can't make any promises. Good luck to everyone in school this semester! Outfit deets: black bandeau from Brandy Melville, vintage reconstructed flannel from LF, and side zip shorts from Cotton On. Photo's by @royal.youths.

Diary of an Intern

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Today I started my first in-house internship assisting a product development team. Here's a little bit about my day.

6:00: Get up girl, today's the big day. I start ironing my clothes, take a shower, paint my nails, and run downstairs to a lovely little breakfast of eggs and toast made by the man himself, good ol' dad. My outfit got me feeling hella legit and confident.

8:26: Get on the train, leave a little early. You never know what nonexistent train traffic is gonna pop up or if someone decides todays the day they are going to hold everyone up by jumping into the tracks. What, this does happen.

9:15: 45 minutes early. Go on time and be early as if you're about to snag someone's full time job. That is the plan after all- right after finding the kitchen that is.

9:20: Sit patiently in the lobby until your supervisor comes. Smile and greet everyone. Try not to be too offended by the one person that didn't acknowledge your existence. Some people aren't morning people. Maybe she just didn't have coffee. Maybe she didn't hear me. Will I ever know?

9:55: My supervisor comes, and she brings me to the office.

10:00: I have my own desk and laptop and am surrounded entirely by handbags. Which I later have to sort by style and color. I notice I am probably the only dressed up person standing in that room in pointed leather booties, a tee shirt under a sleeveless black romper, and soft makeup. A woman walks by in uncombed hair and an off-the-shoulder pink leopard long sleeve shirt. Next time I come in it's been decided that I'm wearing a flannel and Vans. The dress code was extremely casual. I never got the memo.

10:13: Get asked to make an Excel sheet of fabrics and their prices. Wished I had paid more attention in class to make it look fancy. When I get home I'm going to look into taking an online Excel certification class. It's hard to type at my typical speed of 50 wpm after getting my middle finger stuck in your friends garage door. It's looking more purple today.

10:35 I take a trip down to HR, where the elevator decides to take me on a trip instead. Get taken to the freight entrance where every door is locked and nobody is in sight. Just my luck.

11:35: Overhear a lot of conversations about swatches, colors, printouts, and someones upcoming trip to Italy with a friend. My favorite moment of the day happens.

Designer: "What word would you use to describe this color?"
Other designer: "Brody Jenner."

omgggggggg I cannot  wait to submit that to Overheard New York when I get out.

12:53: I go on lunch with another intern. She wants to know if I want Chipotle. I in fact, do not want Chipotle. What Mexican kitchen doesn't celebrate Cinco De Mayo? A non Mexican one. She mentions By Chloe is around the corner. It's about to go down. She gets a taco salad, I get a BBQ burger. It's a fast food vegan spot. We're both vegetarians. I have a feeling I'll be eating here a lot for the next few months.

2:21: Get the company credit card and go shopping. Say no more.

3:40: Get the card again and do some more shopping. It's nice to leave the office and get to run around. It's hot AF out. So much for it being partly cloudy with a chance of rain. I'm starting to sweat like a man. It's gross. I hope nobody notices the sweat through my white shirt.

4-6: Start preparing binders for a meeting for the following day. So many swatches and colors. This feels like TS 111 all over again. Except I'm not breaking my back carrying the massive 300 paged, 7 pound swatch bible. Or having to spend $250 plus tax for it. Oh the days.

6 something: Get sent on a coffee run for everyone on the floor with another intern. A barista at Starbucks messes up the order and we get a free drink. I've been thinking about getting Boba Guys since I got in that morning.

6:27: Say thank you, goodnight, and see you tomorrow to my supervisor. I don't even work on Wednesdays. She must think I'm so slow. I run off to go get my bubble tea. That's the end of my day.

Would you want to read these if I do one every week? Let me know below!

The Glow Up

Monday, August 14, 2017

Or is it glo up? I'm not so sure tbh. The older I get the more out of touch I feel with the terminology of the youngins. Good thing Urban Dictionary always has an answer.

Today I am officially 23 years OLD. I feel like it's the awkward in between of not quite being as young as 21, but not old enough like being 25.  Every year I have the same damn dilemma...  HOW DOES ONE LOOK THEIR AGE? Just two weeks ago a producer at MTV asked me if I was a senior in high school looking to get a senior yearbook quote from T-Pain. I internally made the same face as I am in the picture above and accept the fact I will look like a child forever.

I haven't written in almost a month, and that's because I put blogging on hold until I had some things sorted. Basically I quit my job 4 days after my last post, booked a flight to Texas for the weekend, took a road trip to Pittsburg, and took some time away. I had myself a Kylie Jenner moment to "realize things," and did I realize a lot 'o things. Yet these are the only ones I want to share.

 1. I'm not very good at being unemployed. Two days into joining the percentage of people that weren't working had I already found another job. I was just that determined to be back at it. I felt some sort of guilt for not being on the clock. Truth be told I spent a a hella lot of time on Indeed those two days.

2. I am that millennial that depends on the nearest form of food delivery because I. WILL. NOT. COOK. It's just so nice to know that someone else is making AND delivering your meal. All you have to do is call and ask. How simple. How perf. Let me do it forever. And if you do it so much, they ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. Does it get any better?

3. Discovered my recent addiction to LinkedIn. This has been my favorite discovery so far. I might even do an entire post dedication to how I've used it to my advantage.

4. I realized that in addition to having little to no desire to cook, I also, cannot sweep. I pick up a broom and twenty minutes later have allergies that no amount of Benadryl can fix. Two hours later my nose has turned into Brooklyn's newest version of Niagra Falls (mind you no photos because the mere sight alone is anything other than the perfect photo opp.) By 10 pm I've sneezed all the energy and mucus out of me and have the best sleep ever. Until the same shit happens for the next few days. It's miserable. And leaves me looking and feeling exactly like the picture below. Minus the umbrella. I don't know what that umbrella is looking or feeling like but I hope it has a nice journey across the beach and beyond.

 One of my bigger realizations was realizing I was working a job that wasn't going to help me land my career. So I applied to a ton of internships for product development. Out of 11 scheduled interviews, both my 4th and 5th ones gave me an offer. I accepted no.5 and canceled the rest! I AM SO EXCITED TO START! I wish I care spare the details about with who just yet, but you'll see. Very few of you already know :)

I have so much to write about, and feel like this post is a little lacking, but it is my birthday, so I'm off to go cliff diving.  I'll save more of the recently learned lessons another Monday :)

Outfit deets: Jean Jacket from American Eagle, Vintage reconstructed top from LF, jeans from Topshop, Booties from PacSun, and leather unlined tote from Rebecca Minkoff.

Time to Check Out

Monday, July 17, 2017

"Are you ready to check out?" says the automated cashier voice in my head. No. I wasn't ready, but I knew it was a move I had to make. For months I've been working a particular job that everyday, for five days a week, I'd come in and count down the hours until it was time to finally leave. I hated my job, but because of this job, I was able to pay my bills, go out and buy whatever I wanted, and be able to live to my liking. To me, that was more important than the bullshit I had to put up with on a daily basis. So I tossed my feelings of unhappiness aside every morning or closing shift,and kept money as my motivation.
The very moment that inspired my decision: I came into work Wednesday morning. I shipped out orders that customers placed in store. I do over 250 markdowns. I wait for my associate to come in so I can use the bathroom as I work alone for a few hours until the next person comes in. So when this associate comes in, ten minutes late, he sits down and starts talking on his phone. I let it slide because it might be important and assume that he will get off the phone soon. 15 minutes later and he's still on the phone. From a few feet away, I tell him get off the phone. He turns his head in my direction, says hold on to whoever he was talking to before saying, "Excuse me, who the fuck are you?" Who the fuck am I? Imagine telling your boss that. How many seconds after that would they still be your boss before they fire you. Those five words chimed in my head. I'm Soni.fucking. Solano. Was I working in an ideal location? No. Was I really learning from a team on how to better my skills and increase my chances of being promoted to the next level? No. Was I making as much as my skills were worth? No. Was I happy being there? lol, d e f i n i t e NO. I knew my worth, yet I was settling for less. In that moment, just like the several months I've been there, I was someone who was fucking settling. I know know my worth, capabilities, potential, drive, career aspirations, and so much more. I, am someone who is fucking leaving this job and finding something way better. So who am I? Someone that is fucking leaving. Like Queen B herself said, Boy, Bye. So I call my boss and put in my two weeks.
Never in my life had I put in my two weeks on the spot. Without having a cushion of funds to keep me afloat. Without having a plan. After the internal breakdown of panic for a completely unseen decision, comfort came over me. I was finally free, at least in two weeks I would be. Then came the thought of being unemployed. No funds. No more shopping sprees on Dollskill. No more lunches and dinners at cute spots in Soho. The comfort was still there, but now those thoughts were bringing me pain. Two weeks would be my transformation from Blair Waldorf to Jenny Humphrey. Maybe that was a bit drastic and as there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, you get the idea. After I clock out for the day, I took the train into the city, where I sit in a gallery for almost two hours. Just sitting. Just thinking. A woman comes around passing out bubbles, so I take bubbles and start blowing them. It was therapeutic AF. Everything would be ok, it's not like I would't be able to get another job ever.
Moral of the story: one day you are going to work a job you hate and put in your two weeks on the spot, so go find some bubbles, buy new feather down pillows, and play Bohemian Rhapsody really loud. Yes, this is the real life. (Here is your written reminder that this is a song reference, from the song) These things will happen, whether you were prepared to check out or not, you know your worth and how much better you deserve. Whether its work wise, relationship wise, or decision wise, you shouldn't settle for the things you don't deserve. And you definitely SHOULDN'T PUT UP WITH WORKING A JOB YOU DONT ENJOY.
Outfit deets are listed in my last 2 blog posts. Fun fact, the picture of me in my Vans were recently featured on the Vans website, so that was a very exciting moment. Photos by @royal.youths.

Why I Don't

Sunday, July 9, 2017

High School- the 4 years most people fondly remember are the four years I wish I could forget. I went to one of those widely known schools, one of the "good ones." I was accepted by audition for vocal music. I spent a lot of my time singing and drowning in work. But that wasn't what made it miserable.
Around my sophomore year, Formspring was pretty fucking popular. For those of you that are too old or too young to know about it, it was a website where you could anonymously ask questions to someone. (It no longer exists as it got taken down several years ago) It was widely popular for kids in middle school school and in high school. I myself had made an account bc like everyone else doing it, they wanted interaction. Hell, they even asked people to ask them questions. Imagine that, ASKING people to get to know you... At the time of creating my account, I was already aware that there were people that didn't like me for reasons unknown. Instead of receiving questions, I had received a few comments. The comments even went as far as telling me to go kill myself, and that nobody cared about my existence. A lot of things changed for me after that. As I had no family on Facebook at the time, only people from school, I knew it was someone from there. I no longer felt safe. I had random anxiety attacks that would go into seizures. I started skipping classes and "sleeping in". For all I know, it could have been one of my classmates that I sat next to on the daily. I got very sick and depressed and really lost my desire to interact with anybody. Even my friends at the time had distanced themselves from me, so I was feeling ultimately alone. When I finally found the words for the few conversations that came my way, my mouth would open but I physically couldn't speak. You had a better chance at hearing a dying person whisper their final words as opposed to hearing me... There were so many stories like mine that resulted in young kids committing suicide. People fail to realize the power of words. That's why I choose mine wisely.
It got to the point where I ended up transferring schools for my senior year. I only had three classes at my new school, and went straight home afterwards. There I was nobody, nobody knew me, I'd have no problems. What hurt even more than graduating alone was seeing all the pictures of people I had known from my old school having fun on the senior events and really just enjoying their final year before college. I wished I was one of them.
Since then, I've been very cautious of who I acquaint myself with, and what I post online (both in text and pictures.) On my Facebook, I only advertise accomplishments, pictures of travel, relatable videos, and pictures/ my blog posts. On Instagram ALL of my pictures are pictures of me. Never really any with my friends, family, guys I'm dating, or where I work. My gram stories feature things like my love for street art in the city , to the places I eat, to just plain views. It's really rare that I post anything with anyone else. The only time I include people is when I'm shooting with my photographers to promote their work and services or when I'm with my blogger friends. It's what we do.
The Formspring comments are one of the reasons why I don't speak more about my personal life and the people in it.I barely want people to know me after the comments, none-the-less the closest people in my life. It's not that all of my socials are solely about me as if I was stuck up and wanted all the attention for myself... but the less people know, the better. Only the closest people in your life should be able to know you and all that you're about. You are exclusive, and not everyone should have the privilege of being able to know you. The rest can know you from a distance. I wish in high school more people had known that. Hell, theres SOOOOO MUCH MORE I wish they did know. That you don't need to post every fucking detail of your life online from how hungry you are , to the beef you have with someone else, to how much you made on your most recent check. Yes it's social media, but monitor/limit how social you are. Realize that people are reading what you share, and some, a little too closely. NO MATTER WHAT FUCKED UP SHIT IS GOING ON IN YOUR OWN LIFE, DON'T CYBERBULLY OTHER PEOPLE. Get a shrink, go see a therapist, but by all means in no way take out your life's frustrations behind a screen to innocent people that have nothing to do with you. Have online etiquette. Post in moderation. Back in school people actively posted about who they were with and what they were doing to prove that they had lives and friends. You DON'T need to do this to prove that you have one too. At the time I wish I had known that. I wish I had known it all.
Outfit deets: My hat is from Sausage Skateboards, my glasses are from Petals & Peacocks, top from The Ragged Priest, (one of my fave UK labels.)Shorts are from Primark. Photo's by the one and only @royal.youths. I can't say I felt better instantly after what happened; it did take quite some time. But a few years later and now I'm openly able to speak about it and say that everything does feel better all in due time. You will survive everything that you go through, and in the end what didn't break you will sure as hell make you. And better than you were before at that.

Miss Independent

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

I was a really big fan of Kelly Clarkson growing up, so this post got it's name from one of her songs. Kelly's song aside, the 4th of July is about America gaining it's independence from Great Britain and the adoption of the declaration of independence. Don't worry, I'm not about to give you a history lesson rn (or ever), just a few suggestions.
When I think of being independent, the intro of her song is how I can define it. "Miss independent, Miss self-sufficient, Miss keep your distance, Miss unafraid, Miss out of my way, Miss don't let a man interfere no, Miss on her own, Miss almost grown..." This really explains me in all my independent nature. I'm not 100% self sufficient or unafraid though... sometimes I really need help getting censors off apparel at work and don't even get me started on my failure of being able to properly follow directions on Google maps. Tbh, I'm still afraid of the dark and will not go into my kitchen without turning on every light as I make my way there. AND, I have to be accompanied by my dog. I need to have my guard dog. That way , me and the cookies are being intensely guarded. Guess you can say my current status is stuck at "miss almost grown."
I could go on and give a little explanation for every line of the song, but what it really comes down to is being independent enough to say fuck needing anybody or anything and being able to make it on your own. I would hope none of you end up like Tripp from Failure to Launch; still living at home at the age of 35 and without a job. That's just sad.
At the mere age of 15, I was already working my first paid summer job as a camp counselor and thats where I began to be self sufficient; through learning the value of working for and earning my own money. I was earning freedom financially!!! Allowance and a job was great, until my parents decided that was the end of it. That sucked. I'm pretty much 23 now, some of my friends that are nearing their late 20's still ask their parents for money and try to get whatever they can out of them. I can't say I don't do the same, whenever a free ride or a meal is offered, I can't decline. Because free food!? What is there to object? Who could possibly object?! Thanks mom and dad.
Getting back to independence - learn. Grow up. Fuck up. Ask for help less and starting learning on your own more. Live your best life on your time and nobody elses. That last one is so crucial. Stop relying on other people and start relying on yourself. Learn to be on your own. Enjoy being on your own too. Learn the messy art that is adulting. We can't be like Peter Pan, wanting to be in Never Never Land forever , but we can keep our youthful spirits and creativity amidst the chaos and complications that come with growing up.
Outfit deets: my top and bottoms, and fishnet socks are from Dollskill, and my shoes are the Anaheim Factory authentics from Vans. (fyi sold out in the white online, but here's a link to the available colors.) I actually get out of work early today, so I'll be spending my independence day at the beach and eating cookies because what else is there for a vegetarian to eat at a barbecue? How will you be spending your 4th of July? Let me know :) My gorgeous pictures are thanks to Smithshell J. of @royal.youths.
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